Confusion, confusion!

Well, today I've decided to go on with the tattoo plan. Not because I'm a looney to suddenly have mood swings to make permanent damage to my skin. It's just that I'm just out of strength to carry on with this life I'm going through anymore. Not that having a tattoo will ease my life for a bit (if it does, I'll tattoo my entire body like right away! Lol.) but it's just to help me see things clearly, and to make him believe I do things that I say.

I'm really out of energy to go on with dramatic moments where crying and shouting aren't strangers anymore. I'm really out. It's tiring. Things between us aren't going smooth. He's always angry. All of the time. I don't effing know why! Every little thing I do, or every little thing I say, he'll get angry about it. He's an angry man. It scares me. Only God knows how much strength I pulled to even touch him when he's mad. No wonder I get stronger as he make things tougher between us. I'm thanking him all the same, but if there's a choice, I'd rather have a relaxed life where I'm gonna be reading some corny novels and he'll be somewhere in the corner doing his work, and then we can just end the day by giving each other lots of hugs and kisses, grabbing some good food and enjoys it with some stupid jokes and lots of heart warming laughter. But we'll never be that. It's always going to be us having very bad tempers and literally screaming at each other until someone wins and the other one has to give up and tends to seek revenge. Jesus, what a life.

So today I'd put a stop to it. Today things will change. Why today? Because it's May 9th. :) 9 is a good number since it represents "jiu" in chinese - which means long. I do not want this argueing issue to go on for a long time, so I'm gonna have to make my move to turn things around. Or at least, I'm trying, and if it still doesn't work, then I'll just wait for God to come down and tell us what to do. I can't think of anything else anymore. Seriously. Maybe I am a looney. Damn.

So I'll have this tattoo on me, and it will constantly remind me of what I want from him, what I need, and what I want to avoid for a long time. So 9 will be a good number. Today. I wish what I tend to do can encourage him to try along with me to make things better. I do hope, I wish... That there'll no longer be screaming... That he'll learn to be a better man... That he'll have a bigger heart... That he'll love me more than himself who gives in to his ego. Today. :) I know he won't be reading this, since he's not so much of a blog-reading person (at least not mine) but somehow, if he does, hopefully he can get my good intentions instead of grabbing the negative ones.

That's it for now. Will be uploading pictures of that new tatt soon. ;) I do hope things goes well as planned today. *Crossing & wiggling fingers*. Should be getting a shower now and am heading out. Bye!