Wonder, wonder.

He's so right, he's so fine... But what is it that he doesn't do?

Something is missing between us...

Please God tell me what it is...

My First Presentation Day

LOL moment right at this point. Almost half of the class wore formal clothing but our lecturer said actually it was okay to wear just normal clothes. =.="

Anyway, I'm so damn sleepy right now, and no, the presentation hasn't begun yet. Jesus.

I want to go home. :'(

Blanket, I miss you. Love you.

A tribute to my old time favorite. :)

♥ Meet You There ♥

I'm waiting
For the perfect time to call you back
Cos I remember saying
Don't wanna know the truth
Can't handle that

And I tried to (and I tried to)
Just forget you (just forget you)
But I don't know how
If only I knew

It's written all over your face
It's such a painful thing to waste
Tell me now,
Where do we go?
Now the future's not so clear
I can't believe we've ended here
Where's the world that doesn't care?
Maybe I could meet you there

I'm sorry
If I slagged you down
I meant no harm
But when I heard the stories
I said things I didn't mean
Should have stayed calm

But sadly (sadly)
You got angry
And it breaks my heart
You're so mad at me

It's written all over your face
It's such a painful thing to waste
Tell me now,
Where do we go?
Now the future's not so clear
I can't believe we've ended here
Where's the world that doesn't care?
Maybe I could meet you there

Maybe I could meet you there
Maybe I could meet you there

(I'm sorry) It's written all over your face
It's such a painful thing to waste
Tell me now,
Where do we go?
(I'm sorry) Now the future's not so clear
I can't believe we've ended here
Where's the world that doesn't care?
Maybe I could meet you there

Maybe I could meet you there...
Maybe I should meet you there...

=(

Yer! How la this!? :( Haih haih haih... I'm suppose to make up my mind pretty soon but I'm so damn afraid of how and where it might bring me!

What if things gets more worse upon reaching there? I can't just move back to KK!

Then what if I fail to get clicks?! Gosh gosh gosh, that's another thing to worry about! :(

And lastly, haiyaaa - people change when they go there. What if I do too? Grr! >.<

People often say I worry too much, that I should just learn to take it easy and learn to let go of certain things. But I'm just built and born with this package, I THINK A LOT, AND I CAN'T HELP MYSELF! >.<" So tell me what should I do?! HAIH!

I wish there were more reason to stay but there are just more reason to leave instead of the opposite. I've got everything I want here - friends, family, my beautiful weekends... Do what I want when I want. Everything. In KL, I might have to start all over again. Sad. But there are just too many internal reasons as well as external reasons to contribute to my leaving...

But anyhow, I've got some things to accomplish before leaving - therefore I'll just list it down briefly. (a mental note to self)

1) Collect pocket money, make sure bank has at least 2K before leaving.

2) Secure Beverly apartment as my own crib.

3) Make sure parents know how to use Skype because I'd be missing them much. :(

So I guess that's it so far. Nothing else is important... I hope when I leave and even after I'm back, those people I love would still be the same. :) Oh, I love you guys so deeply! :'(

Huhuhuhu~ I'll just think and panic about this later on again. I'm going to just sleep with my broken heart for the moment. Toodles. *sob*

OMG OMG!

Hey ya!

I was looking at my phone calendar a while ago and suddenly I realized it's already June~! How fast time flies when we're having much fun. :) (or drama...whatever.)

ANYWAYYYYY~ :3

There are a quite a number of birthdays coming up - and all of them are very dear to me. There are so many presents to buy ; therefore a mental note to self that I'm gonna have to save some money for presents. Hehehe. :p

The nearest birthday coming up is my dearest brother's birthday, Wilfred - who's turning 19 this year. (his final year to be a teen!) XD I wonder what he has in mind on how to celebrate. Hehehehe. I got him his present already, but I must at least arrange for him to go out and have non alcoholic drinks to celebrate in case he doesn't have a plan. A back-up plan you see. I'm always foresighted. Plan ahead people! :p Hehehe.

Moving on...! ;) The next birthday (26 MORE DAYS!!! OMG!!) - June 30th, is Kent's. =) Finally, someone is LEGAL to enter the club for good. :p Don't need for me and Henry to worry our heads off on how to sneak him in again. (yay!) I got so many things in mind on what to give - but I wonder what he likes. :/ (I'm worried he'll be speechless about my gift... >.<) Well, I have a prefect plan in my head for my precious guy. :) Just hope he'll like it. >.< *crossing fingers*... T-T

For July, it'll be my lovable mother's birthday - which falls on the 18th. I'm planning to buy her a Bonia handbag - made from original Alligator skin. (I'm against animal cruelty, mind you... But...*sigh* ... My mother loves animal skin handbag... I've got no choice...) :( well, I'll just buy her one of those bags. I'll use half my money and ask another half from daddy. :p (what?? It's pricey you know! >.<") Oh well, if by that time I'm really broke, then, I'll just buy her a pair of nice clothes with skirt. :) Hee!

On the 22nd, (*squeals*) :D It's gonna be Phyl's birthday!!! Yay! I wonder if she stays around till her birthday arrives... If she does I'm so making a surprise birthday party for her. :) Talking about her, I miss her already. Hmm. :( Phyl, faster la come back! Huhu~~~

There are so many more birthdays ahead but I'll just list down these first. :) August and September entry will be updated very soon.

*lalat passed by*

I'm pretty bored right now. =.= I've got nothing to do. Sigh. -.-

Oh ya! I might be applying for a part time job very soon. Awesome, yes? :3 Hehehe. I need extra income. I can't survive on just RM 500 per month with my regular night outings. I also want to collect the whole set of Mitch Albom's novels. I love Mitch's collections! I just finished reading "For one more day" two days ago - and my! How touching it was. :) I was inspired by his story where he said he was about to give up on life... But then he managed to go through it - although he did passed away a few years after his suicide attempt. He died of a heart attack at the age of 56 or 54. This novel is listed as one of my favorite, and I do recommend it to decent readers. ;)

Well, I think that's all for now. I'm lolling around thinking what should I do now. =.=" What a long day it is when you're not engaging yourself into something fun and beneficial. (beneficial konon... Since when did Shisha-ing ever gave benefit to people... Hahahaha! XD) Okay la. Enough crap talk for now. Will be updating my blog again soon. Bye! :D

I've had better days baby.

Yesterday was one of the night that I'll never forget. Not because it was special or sweet...

But because I've killed every part of my old self for good.

It was a fine day to start with. Everything was normal. We went to Frenz Cafe for a drink. There was me, Henry, Liong and Queenie. And then he came.

I should have known that everything wasn't going to be smooth. I never should have followed him to the bar. But I still did. In the end, we ended up with a terrible fight.

Why?

Why do you treat me like this? Why does everything has to be centered on you and only you? Doesn't my opinion count at all? Are you even interested on what I had to say? Do you even know what I feel? No, you don't.

I've known you for five years now. I know everything about you. Your habits, your good, your bad. I know when you eat bak kut teh you like to ridiculously put a lot of sweet black sauce on your rice. I know that even though I've asked you to stop many times, you still like to bite your fingernails. I know you like to eat and drink sour stuff, because you think it's refreshing even though for others it's like drinking level 5 acid. I know you don't fancy ABC when they put in red beans, because you said it tasted like sand. I know how deep your obsessions is towards chocolate, but you can't eat a lot because you tend to bleed through the nose if you're overdosed. I know you don't walk straight and you're like a mini version of hunch back. I know you're sensitive about your height and how you wished you were taller.

I know you love your grandparents and your family, and even when you've got no money, you still will offer them the best you got. I know you like to help your friends, even though some of them stabbed you in the end. I know you're loving, because I can see that from the way you played with your brother. I know you're an amazing person, because you could stand up for your own without anyone's help. And I know you love me, because you're willing to work hard for what we've once dreamed, and I actually believed that you're the one.

Well, now it's my turn.

Do you know what I eat and how I eat?
Do you know what are my regular habits?
Do you even know what do I really want from you?
Did you know I was actually willing to wait for you even though you told me to go away?
Do you know my usual quote when I'm angry, happy or sad?
Can you even read my expression?

No, you don't.

See, you never wanted to know me at all. You don't know any of these. But I know everything about you. You only know me from my negative side.

I know you know that I'm disrespectful to my parents. I know you know that I'm such a flower hearted girl, and to you I can easily fall in love with just about anyone. I know you know that I like wasting money on clothes, shoes, makeup and useless tiny cute stuffs. I know you know that I'm tricky, and sometimes I steal money from my mother. I know you know that I use your name when I go out because my mother don't trust anyone but you. I know you know that I can never take care of myself, and to you I'm the clumsiest person you've ever met. I know you know that I don't know how to appreciate what I got, and often I blame others for my own consequences.

But did you know, my parents are constantly arguing, and my father - a womanizer, my mother, a home-alcoholic, didn't really set good examples for me when I was growing up? I grew wild and followed my instincts because I was all alone and I wanted a change. I wasn't happy.
Did you know, I'm not a flower hearted person, but I am more to a girl who is seeking for the right person just to share my life with? I betrayed my ex for you, because she was treating me wrong and you saved me. I need security and protection, and you gave me that. I fell in love with your simple life, where you once told me that all you wanted was a small house, filled with warmth and love.
Did you know, money was all I got back then, because my father was far away with his second wife, and my mother was all around, and I just received money in substitution for their love, for their presence? I've got lots of money but I cannot even buy what I really need the most... So I shopped, and it gave me a glint of happiness to see myself in pretty clothes and being adored by others... At least I got some attention, and I gained friends.
Did you know, I only stole money from her to help you? You wanted that hand phone so bad, and I really want you to be happy, and I tricked her to buy a computer set with extra money just to buy your phone that cost 1,300. So I "stole" it...
Did you know, I used your name because both my parents love you so much and I couldn't bring myself to tell them what have you done to their only daughter, how you treated me and brought me to the edge where I'm almost in the brink of despair. I want them to think of you the same way, the same boy who told them many years ago that you'll never let them down, and that you love me to your heart's content.
Did you know, I never asked for myself to be this clumsy, but I'm just a little slow to pick on things... I tried very hard to keep up with your pace but I'm often left behind, and I don't understand how is that my fault at all. You could have helped me up when I fall. Instead, all you did was to criticize and commented on my slowness... I had to keep chasing, and finally I was too tired to go on.
Did you know, I appreciated every single thing I have. My parents are not the best of parents around, but I've learned to accept them for who they are, and I left the past behind. No matter what they've done, and how they actually scarred me emotionally, I let it go. I want to be there for them till their last breath. In a way, they somehow taught me life isn't as easy and beautiful as a fairytale. They let me taste the real world a bit too early, which made me who I am today. I appreciated you, because I let go almost everything I had to be with you. I had a life, I was already taken, yet I still chose you over her. When you changed your jobs, I was there supporting you all the way, and I never stopped doing that till you've finally voiced out your real feelings. You called me a psycho. :)

Sweetheart, you cannot blame me when I find out that my love for you gets less and less everyday. Love cannot be forced, and it can never be faked. You cannot force me to love you and pretend that nothing happened. This is exactly what I'm trying to tell you, but at this point, you already pushed me away. You won't listen. Well, this is my blog, and if you ever find this out, keep reading, because this is what I want to say before you cut me out by saying out your slogan : "If you don't like me, then go away lah! Did you ever think about me?" and it will all go back to yourself again.

Fuck you, stop being so selfish and listen.

I know how hard you work for me. I appreciate every single thing you do. I love the gifts, the effort you did for a nice weekend trip, the outings,the flowers... But baby, happiness cannot be entirely focused on physical things. I need support emotionally too. I told you many times, I dislike people who hangs up on me - especially my boyfriend. I dislike people yelling at me even though it's such an intense situation. I don't like it. I don't like when you said you were gonna call or text but then it never happened ; and you got me waiting like a stupid puppy. I don't like it when you do plannings that I will look so much forward to, and then you just take it away. I don't like the way you insult me and I don't like the fact that your ego and pride is so much until you cannot even lower it a bit to ask for apology. You'd rather die than to lose, you'd rather run than to say you're sorry. What I dislike the most is that you'll never listen to me. I already can see myself when I put this blog of mine in the form of words, and before I even finish, you'll counter me back already. Yeah. You're that predictable.

Sweetie, you're not everything you know. :) I really care for you, and I love you like family, but don't push me too hard because you'll get a backlash from me. I'm not warning you, but I would really like to see some attitude adjustments. Not that I believe it's ever gonna happen (if it does, then it would really be a surprise to me). I can feel your anger as I'm typing these. Wow. If you ever see this, I wonder how you react. If you're wise, you should prove me wrong, but oh well - I guess you're not that smart.

I've had better days. But yesterday sucked to the max, and I wish it will turn around soon. A hint for people out there, love cannot be forced, it needs to be earned. :) You'll never win a girl's heart by screaming at her, but you'll win when you're a good listener. It's already so obvious on how I feel about you right now. I'll fight for myself, and I'll prove to you, I am so much more special compared to yourself. I may not be a professional money maker, but hey, I've got the heart, and all I need left are continuous moral support, a little bit of luck and a pinch of self confidence. You? You need to have an attitude adjustment. I wish you luck on that.

I've had better days baby, too bad, not today, not for you. :)