I've had better days baby.

Yesterday was one of the night that I'll never forget. Not because it was special or sweet...

But because I've killed every part of my old self for good.

It was a fine day to start with. Everything was normal. We went to Frenz Cafe for a drink. There was me, Henry, Liong and Queenie. And then he came.

I should have known that everything wasn't going to be smooth. I never should have followed him to the bar. But I still did. In the end, we ended up with a terrible fight.

Why?

Why do you treat me like this? Why does everything has to be centered on you and only you? Doesn't my opinion count at all? Are you even interested on what I had to say? Do you even know what I feel? No, you don't.

I've known you for five years now. I know everything about you. Your habits, your good, your bad. I know when you eat bak kut teh you like to ridiculously put a lot of sweet black sauce on your rice. I know that even though I've asked you to stop many times, you still like to bite your fingernails. I know you like to eat and drink sour stuff, because you think it's refreshing even though for others it's like drinking level 5 acid. I know you don't fancy ABC when they put in red beans, because you said it tasted like sand. I know how deep your obsessions is towards chocolate, but you can't eat a lot because you tend to bleed through the nose if you're overdosed. I know you don't walk straight and you're like a mini version of hunch back. I know you're sensitive about your height and how you wished you were taller.

I know you love your grandparents and your family, and even when you've got no money, you still will offer them the best you got. I know you like to help your friends, even though some of them stabbed you in the end. I know you're loving, because I can see that from the way you played with your brother. I know you're an amazing person, because you could stand up for your own without anyone's help. And I know you love me, because you're willing to work hard for what we've once dreamed, and I actually believed that you're the one.

Well, now it's my turn.

Do you know what I eat and how I eat?
Do you know what are my regular habits?
Do you even know what do I really want from you?
Did you know I was actually willing to wait for you even though you told me to go away?
Do you know my usual quote when I'm angry, happy or sad?
Can you even read my expression?

No, you don't.

See, you never wanted to know me at all. You don't know any of these. But I know everything about you. You only know me from my negative side.

I know you know that I'm disrespectful to my parents. I know you know that I'm such a flower hearted girl, and to you I can easily fall in love with just about anyone. I know you know that I like wasting money on clothes, shoes, makeup and useless tiny cute stuffs. I know you know that I'm tricky, and sometimes I steal money from my mother. I know you know that I use your name when I go out because my mother don't trust anyone but you. I know you know that I can never take care of myself, and to you I'm the clumsiest person you've ever met. I know you know that I don't know how to appreciate what I got, and often I blame others for my own consequences.

But did you know, my parents are constantly arguing, and my father - a womanizer, my mother, a home-alcoholic, didn't really set good examples for me when I was growing up? I grew wild and followed my instincts because I was all alone and I wanted a change. I wasn't happy.
Did you know, I'm not a flower hearted person, but I am more to a girl who is seeking for the right person just to share my life with? I betrayed my ex for you, because she was treating me wrong and you saved me. I need security and protection, and you gave me that. I fell in love with your simple life, where you once told me that all you wanted was a small house, filled with warmth and love.
Did you know, money was all I got back then, because my father was far away with his second wife, and my mother was all around, and I just received money in substitution for their love, for their presence? I've got lots of money but I cannot even buy what I really need the most... So I shopped, and it gave me a glint of happiness to see myself in pretty clothes and being adored by others... At least I got some attention, and I gained friends.
Did you know, I only stole money from her to help you? You wanted that hand phone so bad, and I really want you to be happy, and I tricked her to buy a computer set with extra money just to buy your phone that cost 1,300. So I "stole" it...
Did you know, I used your name because both my parents love you so much and I couldn't bring myself to tell them what have you done to their only daughter, how you treated me and brought me to the edge where I'm almost in the brink of despair. I want them to think of you the same way, the same boy who told them many years ago that you'll never let them down, and that you love me to your heart's content.
Did you know, I never asked for myself to be this clumsy, but I'm just a little slow to pick on things... I tried very hard to keep up with your pace but I'm often left behind, and I don't understand how is that my fault at all. You could have helped me up when I fall. Instead, all you did was to criticize and commented on my slowness... I had to keep chasing, and finally I was too tired to go on.
Did you know, I appreciated every single thing I have. My parents are not the best of parents around, but I've learned to accept them for who they are, and I left the past behind. No matter what they've done, and how they actually scarred me emotionally, I let it go. I want to be there for them till their last breath. In a way, they somehow taught me life isn't as easy and beautiful as a fairytale. They let me taste the real world a bit too early, which made me who I am today. I appreciated you, because I let go almost everything I had to be with you. I had a life, I was already taken, yet I still chose you over her. When you changed your jobs, I was there supporting you all the way, and I never stopped doing that till you've finally voiced out your real feelings. You called me a psycho. :)

Sweetheart, you cannot blame me when I find out that my love for you gets less and less everyday. Love cannot be forced, and it can never be faked. You cannot force me to love you and pretend that nothing happened. This is exactly what I'm trying to tell you, but at this point, you already pushed me away. You won't listen. Well, this is my blog, and if you ever find this out, keep reading, because this is what I want to say before you cut me out by saying out your slogan : "If you don't like me, then go away lah! Did you ever think about me?" and it will all go back to yourself again.

Fuck you, stop being so selfish and listen.

I know how hard you work for me. I appreciate every single thing you do. I love the gifts, the effort you did for a nice weekend trip, the outings,the flowers... But baby, happiness cannot be entirely focused on physical things. I need support emotionally too. I told you many times, I dislike people who hangs up on me - especially my boyfriend. I dislike people yelling at me even though it's such an intense situation. I don't like it. I don't like when you said you were gonna call or text but then it never happened ; and you got me waiting like a stupid puppy. I don't like it when you do plannings that I will look so much forward to, and then you just take it away. I don't like the way you insult me and I don't like the fact that your ego and pride is so much until you cannot even lower it a bit to ask for apology. You'd rather die than to lose, you'd rather run than to say you're sorry. What I dislike the most is that you'll never listen to me. I already can see myself when I put this blog of mine in the form of words, and before I even finish, you'll counter me back already. Yeah. You're that predictable.

Sweetie, you're not everything you know. :) I really care for you, and I love you like family, but don't push me too hard because you'll get a backlash from me. I'm not warning you, but I would really like to see some attitude adjustments. Not that I believe it's ever gonna happen (if it does, then it would really be a surprise to me). I can feel your anger as I'm typing these. Wow. If you ever see this, I wonder how you react. If you're wise, you should prove me wrong, but oh well - I guess you're not that smart.

I've had better days. But yesterday sucked to the max, and I wish it will turn around soon. A hint for people out there, love cannot be forced, it needs to be earned. :) You'll never win a girl's heart by screaming at her, but you'll win when you're a good listener. It's already so obvious on how I feel about you right now. I'll fight for myself, and I'll prove to you, I am so much more special compared to yourself. I may not be a professional money maker, but hey, I've got the heart, and all I need left are continuous moral support, a little bit of luck and a pinch of self confidence. You? You need to have an attitude adjustment. I wish you luck on that.

I've had better days baby, too bad, not today, not for you. :)