Wonder, wonder.

He's so right, he's so fine... But what is it that he doesn't do?

Something is missing between us...

Please God tell me what it is...

My First Presentation Day

LOL moment right at this point. Almost half of the class wore formal clothing but our lecturer said actually it was okay to wear just normal clothes. =.="

Anyway, I'm so damn sleepy right now, and no, the presentation hasn't begun yet. Jesus.

I want to go home. :'(

Blanket, I miss you. Love you.

A tribute to my old time favorite. :)

♥ Meet You There ♥

I'm waiting
For the perfect time to call you back
Cos I remember saying
Don't wanna know the truth
Can't handle that

And I tried to (and I tried to)
Just forget you (just forget you)
But I don't know how
If only I knew

It's written all over your face
It's such a painful thing to waste
Tell me now,
Where do we go?
Now the future's not so clear
I can't believe we've ended here
Where's the world that doesn't care?
Maybe I could meet you there

I'm sorry
If I slagged you down
I meant no harm
But when I heard the stories
I said things I didn't mean
Should have stayed calm

But sadly (sadly)
You got angry
And it breaks my heart
You're so mad at me

It's written all over your face
It's such a painful thing to waste
Tell me now,
Where do we go?
Now the future's not so clear
I can't believe we've ended here
Where's the world that doesn't care?
Maybe I could meet you there

Maybe I could meet you there
Maybe I could meet you there

(I'm sorry) It's written all over your face
It's such a painful thing to waste
Tell me now,
Where do we go?
(I'm sorry) Now the future's not so clear
I can't believe we've ended here
Where's the world that doesn't care?
Maybe I could meet you there

Maybe I could meet you there...
Maybe I should meet you there...

=(

Yer! How la this!? :( Haih haih haih... I'm suppose to make up my mind pretty soon but I'm so damn afraid of how and where it might bring me!

What if things gets more worse upon reaching there? I can't just move back to KK!

Then what if I fail to get clicks?! Gosh gosh gosh, that's another thing to worry about! :(

And lastly, haiyaaa - people change when they go there. What if I do too? Grr! >.<

People often say I worry too much, that I should just learn to take it easy and learn to let go of certain things. But I'm just built and born with this package, I THINK A LOT, AND I CAN'T HELP MYSELF! >.<" So tell me what should I do?! HAIH!

I wish there were more reason to stay but there are just more reason to leave instead of the opposite. I've got everything I want here - friends, family, my beautiful weekends... Do what I want when I want. Everything. In KL, I might have to start all over again. Sad. But there are just too many internal reasons as well as external reasons to contribute to my leaving...

But anyhow, I've got some things to accomplish before leaving - therefore I'll just list it down briefly. (a mental note to self)

1) Collect pocket money, make sure bank has at least 2K before leaving.

2) Secure Beverly apartment as my own crib.

3) Make sure parents know how to use Skype because I'd be missing them much. :(

So I guess that's it so far. Nothing else is important... I hope when I leave and even after I'm back, those people I love would still be the same. :) Oh, I love you guys so deeply! :'(

Huhuhuhu~ I'll just think and panic about this later on again. I'm going to just sleep with my broken heart for the moment. Toodles. *sob*

OMG OMG!

Hey ya!

I was looking at my phone calendar a while ago and suddenly I realized it's already June~! How fast time flies when we're having much fun. :) (or drama...whatever.)

ANYWAYYYYY~ :3

There are a quite a number of birthdays coming up - and all of them are very dear to me. There are so many presents to buy ; therefore a mental note to self that I'm gonna have to save some money for presents. Hehehe. :p

The nearest birthday coming up is my dearest brother's birthday, Wilfred - who's turning 19 this year. (his final year to be a teen!) XD I wonder what he has in mind on how to celebrate. Hehehehe. I got him his present already, but I must at least arrange for him to go out and have non alcoholic drinks to celebrate in case he doesn't have a plan. A back-up plan you see. I'm always foresighted. Plan ahead people! :p Hehehe.

Moving on...! ;) The next birthday (26 MORE DAYS!!! OMG!!) - June 30th, is Kent's. =) Finally, someone is LEGAL to enter the club for good. :p Don't need for me and Henry to worry our heads off on how to sneak him in again. (yay!) I got so many things in mind on what to give - but I wonder what he likes. :/ (I'm worried he'll be speechless about my gift... >.<) Well, I have a prefect plan in my head for my precious guy. :) Just hope he'll like it. >.< *crossing fingers*... T-T

For July, it'll be my lovable mother's birthday - which falls on the 18th. I'm planning to buy her a Bonia handbag - made from original Alligator skin. (I'm against animal cruelty, mind you... But...*sigh* ... My mother loves animal skin handbag... I've got no choice...) :( well, I'll just buy her one of those bags. I'll use half my money and ask another half from daddy. :p (what?? It's pricey you know! >.<") Oh well, if by that time I'm really broke, then, I'll just buy her a pair of nice clothes with skirt. :) Hee!

On the 22nd, (*squeals*) :D It's gonna be Phyl's birthday!!! Yay! I wonder if she stays around till her birthday arrives... If she does I'm so making a surprise birthday party for her. :) Talking about her, I miss her already. Hmm. :( Phyl, faster la come back! Huhu~~~

There are so many more birthdays ahead but I'll just list down these first. :) August and September entry will be updated very soon.

*lalat passed by*

I'm pretty bored right now. =.= I've got nothing to do. Sigh. -.-

Oh ya! I might be applying for a part time job very soon. Awesome, yes? :3 Hehehe. I need extra income. I can't survive on just RM 500 per month with my regular night outings. I also want to collect the whole set of Mitch Albom's novels. I love Mitch's collections! I just finished reading "For one more day" two days ago - and my! How touching it was. :) I was inspired by his story where he said he was about to give up on life... But then he managed to go through it - although he did passed away a few years after his suicide attempt. He died of a heart attack at the age of 56 or 54. This novel is listed as one of my favorite, and I do recommend it to decent readers. ;)

Well, I think that's all for now. I'm lolling around thinking what should I do now. =.=" What a long day it is when you're not engaging yourself into something fun and beneficial. (beneficial konon... Since when did Shisha-ing ever gave benefit to people... Hahahaha! XD) Okay la. Enough crap talk for now. Will be updating my blog again soon. Bye! :D

I've had better days baby.

Yesterday was one of the night that I'll never forget. Not because it was special or sweet...

But because I've killed every part of my old self for good.

It was a fine day to start with. Everything was normal. We went to Frenz Cafe for a drink. There was me, Henry, Liong and Queenie. And then he came.

I should have known that everything wasn't going to be smooth. I never should have followed him to the bar. But I still did. In the end, we ended up with a terrible fight.

Why?

Why do you treat me like this? Why does everything has to be centered on you and only you? Doesn't my opinion count at all? Are you even interested on what I had to say? Do you even know what I feel? No, you don't.

I've known you for five years now. I know everything about you. Your habits, your good, your bad. I know when you eat bak kut teh you like to ridiculously put a lot of sweet black sauce on your rice. I know that even though I've asked you to stop many times, you still like to bite your fingernails. I know you like to eat and drink sour stuff, because you think it's refreshing even though for others it's like drinking level 5 acid. I know you don't fancy ABC when they put in red beans, because you said it tasted like sand. I know how deep your obsessions is towards chocolate, but you can't eat a lot because you tend to bleed through the nose if you're overdosed. I know you don't walk straight and you're like a mini version of hunch back. I know you're sensitive about your height and how you wished you were taller.

I know you love your grandparents and your family, and even when you've got no money, you still will offer them the best you got. I know you like to help your friends, even though some of them stabbed you in the end. I know you're loving, because I can see that from the way you played with your brother. I know you're an amazing person, because you could stand up for your own without anyone's help. And I know you love me, because you're willing to work hard for what we've once dreamed, and I actually believed that you're the one.

Well, now it's my turn.

Do you know what I eat and how I eat?
Do you know what are my regular habits?
Do you even know what do I really want from you?
Did you know I was actually willing to wait for you even though you told me to go away?
Do you know my usual quote when I'm angry, happy or sad?
Can you even read my expression?

No, you don't.

See, you never wanted to know me at all. You don't know any of these. But I know everything about you. You only know me from my negative side.

I know you know that I'm disrespectful to my parents. I know you know that I'm such a flower hearted girl, and to you I can easily fall in love with just about anyone. I know you know that I like wasting money on clothes, shoes, makeup and useless tiny cute stuffs. I know you know that I'm tricky, and sometimes I steal money from my mother. I know you know that I use your name when I go out because my mother don't trust anyone but you. I know you know that I can never take care of myself, and to you I'm the clumsiest person you've ever met. I know you know that I don't know how to appreciate what I got, and often I blame others for my own consequences.

But did you know, my parents are constantly arguing, and my father - a womanizer, my mother, a home-alcoholic, didn't really set good examples for me when I was growing up? I grew wild and followed my instincts because I was all alone and I wanted a change. I wasn't happy.
Did you know, I'm not a flower hearted person, but I am more to a girl who is seeking for the right person just to share my life with? I betrayed my ex for you, because she was treating me wrong and you saved me. I need security and protection, and you gave me that. I fell in love with your simple life, where you once told me that all you wanted was a small house, filled with warmth and love.
Did you know, money was all I got back then, because my father was far away with his second wife, and my mother was all around, and I just received money in substitution for their love, for their presence? I've got lots of money but I cannot even buy what I really need the most... So I shopped, and it gave me a glint of happiness to see myself in pretty clothes and being adored by others... At least I got some attention, and I gained friends.
Did you know, I only stole money from her to help you? You wanted that hand phone so bad, and I really want you to be happy, and I tricked her to buy a computer set with extra money just to buy your phone that cost 1,300. So I "stole" it...
Did you know, I used your name because both my parents love you so much and I couldn't bring myself to tell them what have you done to their only daughter, how you treated me and brought me to the edge where I'm almost in the brink of despair. I want them to think of you the same way, the same boy who told them many years ago that you'll never let them down, and that you love me to your heart's content.
Did you know, I never asked for myself to be this clumsy, but I'm just a little slow to pick on things... I tried very hard to keep up with your pace but I'm often left behind, and I don't understand how is that my fault at all. You could have helped me up when I fall. Instead, all you did was to criticize and commented on my slowness... I had to keep chasing, and finally I was too tired to go on.
Did you know, I appreciated every single thing I have. My parents are not the best of parents around, but I've learned to accept them for who they are, and I left the past behind. No matter what they've done, and how they actually scarred me emotionally, I let it go. I want to be there for them till their last breath. In a way, they somehow taught me life isn't as easy and beautiful as a fairytale. They let me taste the real world a bit too early, which made me who I am today. I appreciated you, because I let go almost everything I had to be with you. I had a life, I was already taken, yet I still chose you over her. When you changed your jobs, I was there supporting you all the way, and I never stopped doing that till you've finally voiced out your real feelings. You called me a psycho. :)

Sweetheart, you cannot blame me when I find out that my love for you gets less and less everyday. Love cannot be forced, and it can never be faked. You cannot force me to love you and pretend that nothing happened. This is exactly what I'm trying to tell you, but at this point, you already pushed me away. You won't listen. Well, this is my blog, and if you ever find this out, keep reading, because this is what I want to say before you cut me out by saying out your slogan : "If you don't like me, then go away lah! Did you ever think about me?" and it will all go back to yourself again.

Fuck you, stop being so selfish and listen.

I know how hard you work for me. I appreciate every single thing you do. I love the gifts, the effort you did for a nice weekend trip, the outings,the flowers... But baby, happiness cannot be entirely focused on physical things. I need support emotionally too. I told you many times, I dislike people who hangs up on me - especially my boyfriend. I dislike people yelling at me even though it's such an intense situation. I don't like it. I don't like when you said you were gonna call or text but then it never happened ; and you got me waiting like a stupid puppy. I don't like it when you do plannings that I will look so much forward to, and then you just take it away. I don't like the way you insult me and I don't like the fact that your ego and pride is so much until you cannot even lower it a bit to ask for apology. You'd rather die than to lose, you'd rather run than to say you're sorry. What I dislike the most is that you'll never listen to me. I already can see myself when I put this blog of mine in the form of words, and before I even finish, you'll counter me back already. Yeah. You're that predictable.

Sweetie, you're not everything you know. :) I really care for you, and I love you like family, but don't push me too hard because you'll get a backlash from me. I'm not warning you, but I would really like to see some attitude adjustments. Not that I believe it's ever gonna happen (if it does, then it would really be a surprise to me). I can feel your anger as I'm typing these. Wow. If you ever see this, I wonder how you react. If you're wise, you should prove me wrong, but oh well - I guess you're not that smart.

I've had better days. But yesterday sucked to the max, and I wish it will turn around soon. A hint for people out there, love cannot be forced, it needs to be earned. :) You'll never win a girl's heart by screaming at her, but you'll win when you're a good listener. It's already so obvious on how I feel about you right now. I'll fight for myself, and I'll prove to you, I am so much more special compared to yourself. I may not be a professional money maker, but hey, I've got the heart, and all I need left are continuous moral support, a little bit of luck and a pinch of self confidence. You? You need to have an attitude adjustment. I wish you luck on that.

I've had better days baby, too bad, not today, not for you. :)

Things Unsaid.

There are so many things that I wish to say to you... But I never got the courage to say so. Until this day, those words still stayed. I never let it out because even if I do, things aren't the same, and if I don't, I'll still regret. So in my heart it'll stay.

How are you? How have you been after we parted ways? I had trouble sleeping for days, but then I got over it after a while. Sometimes you crossed my mind, considering you're my first ever love, and whatever we went through when we were together remained a beautiful memory inside of me. It is hard not to let a tear fall every time you crossed my mind, and it is also hard not to sing along to our songs happily without feeling a terrible heartache at the same time.

I'm happy that you've finally moved on and even had feelings for another. When I knew it, I was heart broken, but then I had someone else too, and it's just unfair to forbid you to have happiness. It hurts a lot when you threw your focus on someone else when it was once mine. I had a hard time adjusting to that, but thanks to you, I'm a stronger person now. :)

Sometimes I remembered our old promises and laughed reminiscing those days we had. It was indeed beautiful, where you and I were so in love we couldn't let each others gaze go away even for a moment. The thing that I had always loved about you was that you loved me just the way I was even though there were so many more beautiful people compared to me. The friendship we had moved step by step and that's another thing I loved about you. You always take things slowly, giving us both time to think and be comfortable with each other. How I miss having you around.

Now that we're older, I start to see so many things differently. I already had what I wanted now, and I threw it all away. I was stupid, I was foolish - but just like you ; I'm also searching for that one special love. You were never to be blamed, because you were perfect just the way you are. I was greedy, and I chose greed over your love. You have every right to hurt me, and I've already received my punishments. Losing you for good was already enough to kill me. And to make things worse, I lost you for a jerk. I'm sorry is all I can say, but I guess it doesn't matter anymore. Just so you know, if I could undo all of these, I'd do it, not because I had a life that suck, but because now I know you're worth so much more than all of these and I'd love you all over again without a doubt. You were my soul mate and I missed it.

So wherever you are, I wish you blissful happiness whoever you're with. :) I hope love life goes so much better for you. Sometimes I still miss you, but I can't live in our memories forever. I won't be doing the same mistake I did so long time ago, and I'm trying my best to embrace him whenever I can. Because of what you taught me about love, now I know we can't expect all the people we love to love us the same way. And I've learned what I'm worth, and they'll wait like you if they really meant their love. :) Thank you for one of the greatest lesson in life you've given me.

No matter who I'm with now, don't forget you'll always be a part of me. :) Not as the person I love anymore, but as a beautiful memory that will never be erased and they'll have to accept me for that. For when there was no you, there won't be the person I am today. I miss you, but I don't wish for you to come back. Just wish me love and luck like I do to you, and your blessings would already be enough. If someday we've already twisted and turned to every direction, but we're still single and in need of each others company again, I'd be more than happy to give us another shot. Hehehe. :D

Goodbye for now, love. :) Be happy, be safe.

Relating Le Gardenie to Life

Hello! :)

All of a sudden I'm pumped up to blog after a whole week of not blogging anything. I did actually, but it was only 4 to 5 drafts of pure nothingness, so I did not bother to post them since, well, it would only be like - for nothing. =.= (four to five, huh~) Haha!


Anyways, I was reading Le Gardenie, a (Malaysian comic by Ben - picture above ; above character's name : Kiwi) and I was so star-struck for a moment there. Drawing's awesome, story line's awesome, colors, hair, facial expression - AWESOME. Then to the four main characters, Kiwi, Lemon, Orange and Apple - well, each and every one of them gave me something to think about in between. I somehow saw their personalities reflected on some of the people I know in real life. But then this is MY blog, so of course, the highlighted main-point of this would be me. LOL! Well, let's start of with the character I hate the most. That would be Lemon. She's this very, very, very super annoying little rascal a.k.a the B-i-A-t-c-H of this comic. She's got yellow hair, fair skin, decent height, pretty face - but then she is pure EVIL. She holds every negative criteria someone could ever think of - such as a professional liar, cunning, charmer, user, bossy, intolerable, hot tempered, insincere, etc - I can't list all of them. She loves winning in everything that she's in for. Love, relationships, belongings, everything. She came from a wealthy family, taken care by her grandfather since both her parents had abandoned her, and so - she lives like the Queen ; she gets what she wants, and she'll get it using all the possible ways she could think of even though it is against human's nature to do so.

This would be Lemon. A little blur, sorry. :( I can't manage to get a clearer picture of her. Darn.

Well, she's that character all right. Judging from her looks, we can all see that she looks pretty normal but when you read the comic, you'll feel like slamming her stupid blond head on the wall. It's so IRRITATING! Argh! I'm having a hard time tolerating with her even though she's only a character in the book. (or maybe I'm just over-reacting =.=). I hate this freaking character and I was dissatisfied to find out in the end that they didn't tell us readers what exactly happened to her. Was she finally sentenced behind bars? Did she go nuts? Pfft. The hanging story leaves me with a thousand questions.

Back to my topic, (me), well, I had to say that I hold some of Lemon's characteristics as well. Undeniably, yes I do. I hold 30% of her cunning moves and a little bit of her likes-to-win-and-will-never-give-up-before-winning trait. But only 10%! Still, I'd be stupid if I turn out to be like her. I saw myself when she said "who are they against me" and I remembered perfectly well when I was 9 or 10, where I was the ultimate leader for my group at my kampung (haha!) and was so respected (or maybe was deeply mocked behind my back) during those times. At the tender age of 9 or 10, I was already leading a bunch of 8/9 year old's and they bowed to me. I gave them orders and they accomplishes them. Reward? Money lah. I was rich because my father kept showering me with money to substitute his absence and during his absence he always give me money - and I've already got everything at home. There's just no need to use the money for anything else. So it goes to them, and I ask them to do stuff for me. Entertaining stuff. (quite bad) I remembered once I actually ask my nephew to poke a cow with a nail. He did and he end up getting chased. Not he. WE. Junior Hyllone, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. I still have the scar you gave me during our fall together from the hill. Stupid, but it somehow became a sweet memory of mine. I'm sorry I called your dad a lorry driver. :( I was so mad at that time because I fell and hurt my knees. I couldn't walk for days! Of course I was mad! But anyhow, I'm so sorry, and I've already apologised two years ago with a few cans of beer... Still. >.<

This is Orange. Gay name? Nah, it suits him. :) Made him sound/look cuter despite his naive traits. ♥

Yeap, that's Orange. The character that I probably think my other clone. (thank you to Ben for pointing out a third party point of view by portraying it into this character.) This guy ah. Sigh. So slow! So weak! So indecisive! So chicken. So naive! *slowly fading into a darker corner of my room with teddy bear covering my face* Hahaha! Obviously, I'm pointing all these out to myself. Yes, indeed I am all that. I pitied him because he chose to believe others when all he had to was to only believe in himself and that person who stayed with him through thick and thin. I was like him. Was? Maybe I still am. Combined with a little bit of Lemon, Orange-based character such as him portrayed and resulting me (Citrus) is a little bit mixed up. Comics are good, at least they can choose to be strong on one of the sides, dark or the bright one. Humans, they're all mixed. Why God, WHY??? T-T

This story is basically about love, friendship, and trust. And of course, some nasty things (Lemon's corrupting plots). Why do I compare Orange so much? Because of this.

After so many years, I still can't figure out who's true to me, and who's faking it. I treat everyone kindly and evenly, and holds no first impression judged by outer appearances before knowing those person well enough. We can't simply say a person dressed in an ugly, worn out shirt with holes to be poor, right? Maybe he's rich, only disguising himself for certain reasons, no? And we all do know that not all models that walks on stage are naturally born that way - there would be no doubt, that some of them has had some work of surgeon hands here and there on their bodies, yes? So just as simple as that - we can't simply judge people from their outer. Usually, we can only know someone deeper when we stay with them longer - maybe five to six years? By that time, we are more than allowed to give out opinions on that person, whether he like it or not, pros or cons. It is their problem is they do not want to face it.

Back to my topic, I've known some of my friends for quite a while now, but I still can't manage to read out some of their behaviors. I trusted them enough to give them permission to share whatever I have (not my man of course - if I do have one, that is... But I don't for now) and I'd definitely help them out when they're in need regardless of what it may take me to do so. But some friends just can't manage to do the same and I sometimes feel that maybe I'm just the stupid, naive girl who couldn't see what's real and what's not. So Orange.

Next, we'll move on to love. Me and Orange (deep sigh) well, we're almost the same. In this comic, he had been good friends with Kiwi, a tomboy girl who maybe or vice versa liked him since childhood. It's really sweet, where they share a pet together - a pet squirrel named Charmaine and they have this really deep connection with each other. In the story, maybe (just a guess) Orange has stopped appreciating Kiwi's presence after so many years of being trapped with her and start to find her annoying (you'll know about it when you read it) and he fell in love with another girl (Apple) whom he saw in class on the first release of the comic. Both Orange and Kiwi are not really in love you see, but well, we can assume that there is something there (or at least I think there is). Bla3, skip all the other parts, then Lemon's character popped out. Then ah, that Orange ah, fell in like with her again. And because of this Lemon he also turned his back on Kiwi. Stupid guy. (referring to self) Sigh. I also used to be like this. :( And I want to make sure this time I don't screw up again! So maybe, I'll fight for my love more this time. :) And appreciate what I have in my life now. Maybe slowly, I'll get out from the maze I've created on my own, and find my way back to my security where I feel that I belong and safety is guaranteed. Hopefully, this love could wait. Hehe! :)

There are still many things to talk about Orange, but right now I'm unable to focus since I know I'll be having my first Maths II quiz tomorrow (OMG!) so I'd better just go off to bed and roll for the moment and think how am I going to score without books. I can go to town and buy my book, but buying requires money - something I particularly don't own now. I'm officially broke after buying lunch and Coffee Bean. (couldn't resist temptation... Will work on it! >.<) So, I guess that's all for now. I'd like to suggest Le Gardenie to comic lovers all around the world because it's an awesome comic - and Malaysian readers, you must read this! 4 out 5 stars rating from me (because the last book was completed by another author since Ben left before it's even completed). Therefore, only 4 stars are given. Maybe not, I'll give 4.5. :) I'm generous. LOL!

Alright, time for me to roll. Chill peeps, until the next update! ;D

Bastard.

I hate you. You despise me. You disgust me. I repel you. I dislike you. The most important part is that I hate you to my very core. You're stupid. Brainless. Perverted. Dishonest. Liar. Heart-breaker. You're all the bad things I can think of. And the thing I hate about you the most is because you're a thief.

You took my heart.

But I'll grow another one. Loser.

P/S : We're not going to heaven anyways. So you can suck. When you suck so bad, then you'll be awesome. Loser.

Kundasang Trip

Yesterday was just so awesome. We drove (I drove actually) to Kundasang along with my favorite people : Kent, Jacq and her boyfriend Molie. It was just so awesome. :D We left around 10+ and arrived at Kinabalu Park around 1.15 p.m.

We ate and then went for a short hike along Tupai trail, which was 1.3m if I'm not mistaken. I was out of breath by the time we reached one of the pondok and I immediately laid my tired body on the plank seat. I would've had dozed off right at that spot if it wasn't for my fear of Jacq taking nasty pictures of me sleeping with my mouth open. Something was so funny back there because I couldn't stop laughing! X( I don't know what was up with me but I kept laughing and the way Molie added the background laughter just made my condition worse. Hahaha! Stupid oh. But then it stopped as soon as I got up. Must be the oxygen bringing up hormones... Too much Adrenaline I guess. Haha!

The hike down was so much easier and we reached in just a few minutes. Got Kent to carry me all the way up to the road after that (he lost during rock paper scissors :p) so I wasn't that tired like before.

The drive was continued and we reached to Kundasang where we bought some vegetables and fruits. I bought mushrooms and cabbages for my mother and bought Travis a box of strawberries too. We've also bought some drinks to quench our thirst after the hike. I called my mom to inform her about my whereabouts and I got scolded - big time; on loudspeaker. No wonder I kept lying to her. When I wanted to be honest she won't let me, so whatever. I'm not telling her next time.

After Kundasang, we were heading back to KK and I made my stop at Pekan Nabalu for some peanuts. I know my parents love Nabalu peanuts, especially my mom. Hmph. And I got scolded on loudspeaker. Pfft. >:.

During the drive back to KK, I got so damn sleepy and my eyes were half open. I couldn't see clearly because the fog was thick and my eyes were watery due to continuous yawning. Jacq, Molie and Kent was already sleeping and I on the other hand tried so hard to keep myself entertained. I sang, I talked alone in my head, I thought of things to do after I'm back. I was thinking and thinking until suddenly it rained so hard. Thankfully we got over Telipok by that time, meaning - there won't be any worries for flood. Phew!

After sending Molie home (and sat at his house watching Malay version of SpanBob Seluar Kotak), we went back and I accidentally made a wrong turn at the junction. I was suppose to be heading to the other lane but I took the other one. To send Jacq I need to follow the old Penampang road which is very near to Travis's home. On the way there, my car's tyre pancit and we had to call in for towing service because I thought I didn't have a spare tyre and informing my parents is not a solution. I was so bloody worried because I don't even have 400 or 300 or 200 to pay for the service. Molie called and said he has already asked someone to come to our rescue and that towing guy require no payments since they will charge it to the insurance expenses. I was so thankful to Molie and made a mental note to myself to treat him for a drink after he's back from Seremban. :) He's one good lad. Always ready, can be depended on. Lucky Jacq. She better marry him or she'll deal with a big loss. Hehehe.

In the end, everything was okay. RM80 went to the towing guy for nothing (borrowed 20 from Molie - again, I'm thankful, and this reminded me I need to see him today to return back his money) and finally I got home. I thought I was going to be lectured the whole week for going off with an unserviced car, but then I told my father a lie saying I changed the pancit tyre myself and he was actually proud. Lol. And I got 50 for that. XD Awesome! Next time I should just lie from the first place. :p

Oh well, I guess it was worth it. So many problems but it was indeed one of those good days where all I do is relax and please no one but myself. Am looking forward to a trip like that again very soon. :) Too bad I'm not able to upload pictures because my camera's memory card couldn't fit into my card reader. :( It needs another card reader type where it has bigger slots. But no matter, pictures will be kept safely in the camera until I get to transfer it into my lappy. :D Hehehe. That's all for today's entry. Toodles!

Trying to tackle myself for EXACTLY NO REASON.

I'm afraid of so many things.

1) I'm afraid that I won't be able to take care of myself and settle down even after the passing of my parents. (knock wood)

2) I'm afraid that I won't be able to take my degree.

3) I'm afraid to fall in love, because it hurts every time they leave, when they say they don't love you anymore, when they are no longer interested in you and lay eyes on someone else, or when the magic between two people doesn't work anymore.

4) I'm afraid all the people that I proudly call my friends are only impostors in a mask of familiarity.

5) I'm afraid to accept the fact that my dog will someday die, therefore my love for her decreases every day. She's such a loyal dog with a heartless owner... Sorry Sabby, I just can't deal with losing something precious... But I do love you very much. :(

6) I'm afraid that someday I might look and shape JUST LIKE my mom.

7) I'm afraid that I might be married to another version of my dad.

8) I'm afraid I might not be able to conceive.

9) I'm afraid the day someone proposes to me will never come.

10) I'm afraid that I'll have to spend all my future weekends with no friends and lover, spending all my weekdays as a workaholic, and my closest lover would only be blue film and cigarettes whilst my friends would only be nothing but thick self-motivating books.

11) I'm afraid the person that I love now won't love me anymore in the future. I don't want to be replaced. :(

12) I'm afraid of death. I don't want to be eaten by maggots.

13) I'm afraid I'd still be religion-less when I'm in my death bed. :/

14) I'm afraid that someday I'd go broke.

15) I'm afraid to go on this road alone.

16) I'm afraid of being too soft or being too hard... People would be freaking mad at you or would only take advantage of you.

17) I'm afraid that I might inherit my mother and grandmother's ovarian cancer.

18) I'm afraid of ghosts. I don't want to think that one is actually looking at me write all this right now. :/ *creepy*

19) I'm afraid to even continue living, but I'm also afraid of dying.

20) I'm afraid that all of these things that I'm afraid of will eventually be the cause for my fall and will somehow cause me to be more afraid to the psychotic level. Hopefully not.

Oh dear God, just show me some signs. Like an I-Phone falling from my roof. Guess not. Sigh. That's all for tonight. :(

With or without you, in my heart you'll always stay :)

Being with you, I felt as if nothing can ever go wrong
Nothing can ever do no harm
And nothing feels any safer than your arms

Being with you, laughter comes all the time
Sadness is nowhere in sight
Like a moon, you shine my night

Being without you, a day seems like a week without smiles
A month without warmth
And a very long year without love

Being without you, I just can't find my way
I sit, miss, and think all day
Wondering if you feel the same

Being without you, it's just hard to live
Tho we rarely speak, but promise me you'll never leave
And most of all remember that you'll always and forever will be with me :)

Your truly,
Mimi

Sunday. And NO, it wasn't sunny for me.

First of all. I sadly inform that my wish to get that tatt done today was not fulfilled. Lots of problems along the way. I woke at 1p.m I think (yes,I'm nocturnal, I sleep in the morning and go out at night...so what!) and then got back to sleep again. I was rudely awakened from my beautiful dream by my ringtone and I saw that it was Henry who was calling. He called in to ask about Kent, whether he did find me or not. I just got up and of course my head was a little blank at the moment. (I was wondering where my food went...since I was actually dreaming about food...hmm.) Then I told him that he did not find me and I asked what's the matter. Henry said he wanted to go for a jog, and well, he wanted his sidekick to come along with him. So skip the talking part, and I tried calling Kent but to no avail. It was shut.

I wondered what happened to him. It's not like him to shut his phone just like that. I was a little worried so I tried calling again but the result is still the same. I went online to check whether his FB chat is on or not but it's not on either. So I went back to sleep (just like that...hahaha!) but I wasn't really sleeping. I was disrupted from my beauty sleep. So I just rolled on my bed for a moment, texting everybody asking what are they doing, did a few calls and then rolled again. It was raining then (hah! how's Henry gonna jog now I thought. Might be all wet and sexy running around Bukit Padang track...hahahaha!)

It was raining so hard and then I started to get bored. I planned to get that tattoo done but my cousin has left home earlier, mom wasn't around, dad is nowhere in sight and I was all alone. :( to make things worse, the electricity went out. I was stranded at home doing nothing, feeling lonely and kinda scared myself with stupid Korean/Japanese ghost story thoughts. No thanks to the horror DVD's I've been watching. And obviously, the nonstop lightning followed by loud thunders wasn't helping at all.

After a while, thank God mom was home, opened up the gate, cousin's back too, and then mom said we had to drive all the way to Tamparuli to fetch the drunk boss. Sigh. When will my old man quit drinking. He's eating pills like - I don't know. But then he's still drinking. Such a waste of money for medicines. So I had no choice but to agree, and I took a quick shower and left the house with my hair wet covered in towel like a bun. Yes, I went out that way. Guess what, as soon as I stepped out, the electricity went on. God must hate me very, very, very much. >:/

We drove all the way to Tamparuli and Jesus! The jam was so terrible. I was able to take some photos of the massive jam while my mother was driving.

So deep. I wonder how that car across the road got out. Maybe s/he waited for it to subside?

Saw something different there? Stupid car, brainless driver! What was he thinking anyway??!!

Well. What can I say. Of course the road would be like so freaking jam with these kind of drivers around. My ears was full with my mom's long nags on "haiya! see?? see?? that's why i hate driving when it rains.", "look, look, haiya. car also will spoil la.", "your father ah, haih! bla3.............."... God.

In the end, we reached our destination after following Tuaran road approximately at 7.30p.m since 5p.m. My butt was already boiling hot egg for sitting so long doing nothing. Then the long drive back began and we reached beautiful KK once again by 9p.m. :) by then, I've already reached Kent (called his mom...was so nervous...!) but then finally he got on and I yelled, BIG TIME. >:D seemed that he sent his phone for repair, but never got to tell me. That boy ah. But then no harm has happened, therefore; I forgave him. :) But if he do it again... *evil sneer*

Oh ya. Something stupid happened after we reached KK. Me and my cousin was so hungry after the long trip, the kind of hunger that even Maggi wouldn't satisfy us anymore, so we dropped by at Foh Sang to eat. So I had the below conversation with the shop's Lao ban.

Lao ban : Hi liang moi! Ni yao chi shen me?

Me : Gei wo chao mien, bu yao hai sien.

Lao ban : *looking at my cousin* Liang zai? chi shen me ar? wo men you bla3 bla3... (introducing menu in rapid chinese)

Cousin : *looked at me blankly* kasi sama saja la.

Me : Lao ban, chao mien liang tie, yi ge chan-chan.

*the girl who's supposed to be in charge of drinks came*

Girl : Moi, minum apa?

*lao ban suddenly interfered in our conversation*

Lao ban : Ni yao gan de hai shi shui de? (or at least this was what I've heard... And I was too embarrassed to ask the second time on what he meant, so I just went on) Oh. Gei wo limung shui ping, liang bei.

Lao ban : Wo men mei you shui bla3... (can't hear him... I think this was what I heard)

Me : Oh. (I didn't hear him... I don't understand! But I wanted to look cool. So I just replied "oh".) *looking at the drink counter.* Gei wo bai shui la.

Lao ban : ??? *walking towards the cook but still looking at me*

*the cook came*

Cook : Amoi ah. Dia tanya kalau kau mau mi goleng kau basa atau keling ah. Sebab kau cakap mi goleng saja, nanti kami tak tau mi goleng basah atau keling...

Me : Oh. Ohhh. Kering. Kering. *looking at my cousin*

Cousin : *smiling*

Cook : Ok ok. *walking away*

Me : *looking at my cousin* patutlah tu lao ban tengok saya saja. Dia tanya saya mau mi kering atau basah saya pula balik-balik kasitau dia apa minuman! xD

It was so silly. I felt so embarrassed. Not only did I fail to give a good impression of OCBC (orang cina bukan cina), I screwed up by acting cool; combo-ed by humiliation to myself for being stupid to WANT to act cool. I also caught the lao ban talking to the workers while looking at me a few times. It's so obvious what are they talking about. And the smile he got on his face can just send me running instantly - if only I didn't have a plate of good fried noodles on the table and if only my stomach wasn't grumbling. I'm a famous customer for that shop now huh. Pfft. Moral of the story? If you can't talk, better just zip it! :D

But seriously, I'm never eating there for the next few months. I'm too embarrassed. I can just bury my head in the ground like an ostrich in case I saw that lao ban anywhere. It was overall silly. It gave me and my cousin something to laugh about on the way home anyway. :) Silly silly.

Well, that's all it I guess. It was a boring Sunday to start with, but then we ended uo pretty good. Expecting more silly things to come... Not! Hahaha. Gotta go for now. Will be updating my blog again soon. Bye! :)

Confusion, confusion!

Well, today I've decided to go on with the tattoo plan. Not because I'm a looney to suddenly have mood swings to make permanent damage to my skin. It's just that I'm just out of strength to carry on with this life I'm going through anymore. Not that having a tattoo will ease my life for a bit (if it does, I'll tattoo my entire body like right away! Lol.) but it's just to help me see things clearly, and to make him believe I do things that I say.

I'm really out of energy to go on with dramatic moments where crying and shouting aren't strangers anymore. I'm really out. It's tiring. Things between us aren't going smooth. He's always angry. All of the time. I don't effing know why! Every little thing I do, or every little thing I say, he'll get angry about it. He's an angry man. It scares me. Only God knows how much strength I pulled to even touch him when he's mad. No wonder I get stronger as he make things tougher between us. I'm thanking him all the same, but if there's a choice, I'd rather have a relaxed life where I'm gonna be reading some corny novels and he'll be somewhere in the corner doing his work, and then we can just end the day by giving each other lots of hugs and kisses, grabbing some good food and enjoys it with some stupid jokes and lots of heart warming laughter. But we'll never be that. It's always going to be us having very bad tempers and literally screaming at each other until someone wins and the other one has to give up and tends to seek revenge. Jesus, what a life.

So today I'd put a stop to it. Today things will change. Why today? Because it's May 9th. :) 9 is a good number since it represents "jiu" in chinese - which means long. I do not want this argueing issue to go on for a long time, so I'm gonna have to make my move to turn things around. Or at least, I'm trying, and if it still doesn't work, then I'll just wait for God to come down and tell us what to do. I can't think of anything else anymore. Seriously. Maybe I am a looney. Damn.

So I'll have this tattoo on me, and it will constantly remind me of what I want from him, what I need, and what I want to avoid for a long time. So 9 will be a good number. Today. I wish what I tend to do can encourage him to try along with me to make things better. I do hope, I wish... That there'll no longer be screaming... That he'll learn to be a better man... That he'll have a bigger heart... That he'll love me more than himself who gives in to his ego. Today. :) I know he won't be reading this, since he's not so much of a blog-reading person (at least not mine) but somehow, if he does, hopefully he can get my good intentions instead of grabbing the negative ones.

That's it for now. Will be uploading pictures of that new tatt soon. ;) I do hope things goes well as planned today. *Crossing & wiggling fingers*. Should be getting a shower now and am heading out. Bye!

Sheesh.

First blog, and I wonder what to write about. It's 7:03a.m on a beautiful Sunday morning. I've not slept in, let's see, 18 hours? I wonder what's up with me these days. It's just so hard to even try getting a decent sleep. I'm often awakened in the middle of my sleep, as if there's something I needed to do (but there isn't any - lol).

Anyways, I was bored from my insomniac hours so I googled some pictures on tattoos and piercings. It's kinda cool actually. :D I recently met with my darling high school friend Ah Song at my 20th birthday party at Upperstar Damai (god I'm 20. It's still so hard to suck it in... Sigh!), and I noticed she and her darling sweetie Carol has the same tattoo on their left wrist. They tatted their initials on : Sc. (couple tattoo) Now how sweet is that?! I kept wondering when will I have my very own tatt. I've always wanted one at my wrist, one at the back of my neck and another at my left upper hand but I never got to do it. Guess I'm too chicken for those. But but but, then I realized, what day can be more better than today to have one? :D It shall be done today. (I think.) :( I shall think about it. ;p

Well, since I've already brought up my birthday, well, everything turned out well throughout the party. An amount of 27 guest came, and for the first time in 5 years, I actually got presents from my friends. Yay! :D hehehe. I was so excited to be receiving so many gifts. Had to ask Molie, Jacq and Wilfred to help me carry all the presents to my Bug. (my car, it looks like this blue bug, so it is therefore a Bug.)

So. Important details. I was surprised when Travis came up with this large bouquet of flowers (lillies or daisies I think, he told me, but I've forgotten - lol!) and a bottle of champagne. I've not seen him coming up then but I heard so many people's "oohs" and "aahhs" and I just had to turn around for the sake of curiousity. And there he was, standing right in front of me, with the bouquet covering half of his body and a bottle of unchilled champagne on his other hand. And he whispered : "Happy Birthday". My jaw dropped because I did not expect such a gift from him - especially when it's just a birthday. During valentine I got a delivery from the florist, a total of 39 red roses arranged in a big bouquet and a card saying "Happy Valentine" from him. And now daisies, or lillies, whatever, from him - for my birthday. What is he now, flower guy? hahaha. But either ways, I love his gift. He knows what I love. :)

When I reached home I unopened the gifts and here I'd like to say thank you to Aubrey for the delicious Ferrero's (I heart U! I heart Ferreros! How did you know that? :D) hehehe - Queenie, for this cute closed eyed bunny thingy (I don't know what it is, but sweetie you know what I love...thank you! :D), Ah Hao, for the cute closed eyed bunny glass collection (I know Queenie told you, so unfair! ;p but thank you!), my dearest ah di, Wen Qi for his hanging on the table doll thingy (he came all the way to Upperstar to hand over the gift to me... I'm actually quite touched... I would've invited you in but then it's okay :) maybe next time :D), Ah Song & Carol for the lovely necklace and anklet, (thank you dolls! I love the necklace... I think that was chosen by Lolly ;p hehehe!), and last but not least, Kent - for his lovely red heart chinese box that has a mirror attached inside along with ang pau. I felt uneasy receiving money, but then I found a new way to treasure it - I'll keep it! :D hehehe! I'm not using it eventhough I'm broke. :p but really, thanks you guys for the not so very awesome party since I was running here and there and often out of sight, but thank you all the same for coming. :) and the rest of the present has no name or card attached with it so I don't know who's it from. Sorry. :( But I do thank you too. :)

I found some really good friends here in KK. They're not much of a somebody, but at least they'll be there when you need them. Right? Love you guys. xoxoxoxo! =)

I think that's almost it. I'm still wondering whether I should or shouldn't have that tatt done today. The sooner the better right? :D I should call Jacq later on. I need company. Quite scared to go alone. Huhu! ;p Well, that's all there is, so bye bye for now! ;D